I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
