I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
