Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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