Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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