I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
