i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
This house was built for laser tag.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
