so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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We left an ass print on the piano.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
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His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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