she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
