The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I smell stomach acid.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
