He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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