Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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