DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
being pregnant is like rehab
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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