I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
