my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm really busy with my period
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