you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
