She is in my trunk
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
