woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
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Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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