Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
