Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
