How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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