he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
