as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
