I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
