when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
