I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
