so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
