Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed