I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face