I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
All I want is dick and wine.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
