If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
