I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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