my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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