I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
