She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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