I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
