They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
