I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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