I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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