i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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