I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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