if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
