just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
