Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
