Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
