she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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