I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
