I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
