Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
