i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
