Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
