I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
