Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
