She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
