I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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