no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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