Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
