i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
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How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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