Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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