Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
