Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
