After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
